As a rule, reviews tell us a lot about whether it's a good idea to take a chance on a business. But some businesses run their businesses so badly you'd think their owners or managers are completely unaware reviews exist.
Hilarious reviews ensue
Sometimes, the results are pretty funny. Here are 8 examples I've found. Let me brighten your day! If you aren't getting reviews like this, business probably isn't all bad.
1. Fire and Blood: it's not just for Game of Thrones anymore.
A hotel in Flagstaff, AZ scored this award-winner:
Here's a hint for those of you following along in the home audience. When a customer tells you there may be old, creepy blood stains all over their bed, do not say it's nail polish like that somehow makes it better!
2. Would you like a roach with that?
Here's a manager who should have just comped the meal and called it a night. Of course, an attempt to frantically clean the kitchen for a hasty doth-protest-too-much tour is pretty funny.
If the manager had realized the customer might have taken to Yelp to tell this story she might have just done whatever it took to mend the situation so the customers could be on their way.
3. The extra charge is for the um. Special conditioner?
I feel like this review could be the result of a question and answer pair in the game Cards Against Humanity.
Oh, you don't believe me? Here's the actual review.
I'm not sure what's more amusing. The part where the hairdresser calls herself a "master stylist" or the fact that this man was so nice he ended up giving the place two stars instead of one.
4. Just start your own (censored)!
This review could be subtitled: "Customer Service: You're Doing it Wrong."
Yeah, I'm easily amused. I found the profanity-laden "do it yourself, then!" response both childish and funny.
Just remember, the customer might tell the Internet anything you say. Keep your cool online and offline. Make sure your employees do the same. And if you use subcontractors, make sure you have a back-up plan.
5. In honor of Halloween, here's one for a truly scary Haunted House attraction.
Apparently, they were scared this guy was going to go after their actors with a teeny tiny pocket knife. Maybe he was a dead ringer for Sam or Dean Winchester?
Granted, the reviewer's "hippie" talk was also pretty hilarious to me, and I almost didn't take him seriously. And then I got to the vomit. All the vomit. And the lack of ventilation. In the South.
I guess...extra points for having a real scare in the haunted house? The real life ick-factor would definitely have scared me.
6. We value our customers!
That's why the filthy carpet, accusatory parenting advice, and bogus calls to law enforcement are totally free!
Yikes. That scares me even more than the 1-star rants about this hospital.
You never wanna hear, "Well bless your heart" while sitting at a Southern woman's dinner party, and you never wanna year, "Well, they try," while a doctor's comin' at you with a scalpel. Just sayin'.
7. When the 3-star review is more damning than the 1-star review...
This one's for a hospital.
This one is for a Mercedes dealership. Mercedes is of course a luxury brand known in most cases for treating their customers like kings and queens. Apparently this service manager did not get the memo.
8. Missing the mark on that response there, hoss...
This business owner clearly knows he's being reviewed, but may not be taking them very seriously.
It's my job to snark in this post. But don't be the guy who snarks in your review response. "Thanks for the 411?"
Besides, he seems to have missed all the other issues. Burny-salty burgers weren't the only issues. What about the tiny shrimp and the thin, rubbery chicken? Apparently all they deserve is a moment of silence.
Of course, some of these could be fake reviews
One never knows. If so, A+ for creativity, hypothetical fake reviewers, even if you are terrible, terrible human beings. For the reviews here that aren't fake, most of the terrible human awards are gonna go straight to the business!
But at least we can look at all this and laugh...while picking up some pointers on how not to handle yourself if you're a business owner of any kind.